I dont know what I want anymore. . . . .

Dreams are just Dreams

Thats what I have to keep telling myself once I wake up. My dreams go so in depth that they show 24 hour periods in the 7 that I sleep. And they are so realistic that I'm afraid my body is moving to them in my bed, which would wake up blake and would bring up a lot of questions. But this one gave me everything that I've been wanting for so long. A certain girl( ah what the hell no ones supposed to read this anyway: Its lauren) finally stares into my eyes, lightly unferls her hand to except mine, and our lips touch ever so gently. Not a sexy, dirty type of thing, not a long, drawn out make out scene, just enough to brush the skin, enough to take me out at the knees if I where actually.... If only. and I wake up, horable downtroden, laying on the couch thinking, thinking. It's all I ever do anymore. I dont have an ounce of courage to even say anything. If I did I might lose the only friendship that keeps me going, even though we dont talk much, even though I dream about her every night and still dont tell her anything, and it torments me. so I'll take the simple step, to repeat it to myself once again. I love you Lauren, in the deepest sort of way. Your hazel eyes make me helpless to fight it, and I want to be with you in every sense of these words. Your gorgeous, and I'm just a mess of disgust, but will you take me anyway?
And it echos on and on.

Searching for My Denouement

i am.... well, lonely. i need someone to hold me through. I need to hold someone, because i seem to only be strong when im the foundation that holds someone else together.
but what if im wrong? what if im not strong either way?what if im just a whisp in the air to everyone(half the time people dont seem to care that im there and after 10 mins notice me)? what if me trying to be someone's shelter is just like putting more wind on their back?
What if I just except the fact that my dreams and reality wont ever line up?
Im pathetic.
I sound so STUPID.
what am i even doing?
Im my own tormentor
and im sick of myself

:]

I would love to get to hang out with Michael, Malvey, Blake(my brother), and Lauren a lot more, cuz they always brighten my day, no matter what the darkness is( I dont really know how Lauren does it. we dont really even talk much. I guess I just feel good when im around her). I swear, they are the only reason i have some sanity left. Im not sure if i could get by with out talking to each one of them sometime throughout the week.

Blake story of the week:
I woke up this morning and got my shower. evidently i woke blake up cuz he moved his face so it wasnt completely swallowed by his pillow:
Blake: "we need a divorce. u make too much noise. and u need to stop being naked."
Me: "im sorry. go back to bed honey."
Blake: "your not aloud to call me honey anymore. were on bad terms as it is.
were getting a divorce."(goes back to sleep)

How dare she look beautiful tonight

the day called wednesday was beautiful
and in the morning my heart leaped to its seeping aroma
but the day wore a mask, now revealing its grotesque cadaver before my eyes

how dare u look that good when i want to hate u so fucking much
id finally gotten over you(or so i thought)
then u walk in the room, no, infect the room
u swarm with your disease til i cower and draw my feble attempt at distraction, my usual etchings(drawings) in my skin
not because i want to, but because of overwhelming malady
but somehow a warm smile creeps across ur face
dont u realize what u do?

i do believe ive fallen in love though(with someone else obviously)
and im glad my mind chooses this to base my dreams(in my half-sleepless night)